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body acceptance by Paredolia body acceptance by Paredolia
The original file name was 'resignation' simply because this started as a 'I am resigning myself to the fact I will always be overweight'. But as I continued working on it, I went through a whole plethora of emotions. It went from 'I hate myself I will never be beautiful/will never see myself as beautiful' to more 'anxiety, depression, self loathing' and finally into a sort of 'maybe eventually I will heal and learn to accept my body'.

I have been overweight the majority of my life. I'm 19 years old now, but I am almost positive as soon as I could make the conscious decision to eat without needing someone to feed me, there was no stopping. having said that, I was something of a glutton. When I was upset I would eat, when I was bored I would eat, when I wasn't sure whether or not I was truly hungry I would eat. I just loved food. No one ever told me 'no', and I didn't know well enough to understand that overeating to the excess that I was would be bad for me. I got better over the years, but I had fallen into a particularly poor diet of eating when-the-fuck-ever I damn well pleased, and so I have remained overweight. The beginning of this year when I discovered I was 240lbs, I figured it was time to change.

Ever since I started making better choices concerning health at the turn of the new year, I have felt a number of things. Originally it had absolutely nothing to do with vanity. I wanted to be healthy so I could dedicate a number of non-weight complicated years to my girlfriend and future children should we ever have any. I wanted to know that I could change, and there certainly was no negative causes in being a little more confident with my appearance. The longer I stuck with it (and about my 15lbs lost mark) I became more obsessed with losing weight and becoming cooker-cutter beliefs of 'beautiful'. Little teeny waist, large breasts 'n hips, etc. I no longer cared for health, I just wanted to be gorgeous. I wanted acceptance, and I wanted recognition. I wanted to be envied for a stunning appearance, and nothing would stop that from happening.

When I finally hit the 20lb mark about 3 weeks (maybe longer?) back I started having some trouble. I got sick a number of times leaving me unable to walk for days at a time- I couldn't focus on anything or settle the tension in my legs if I didn't walk. This whole week I've been home-bound because I fucked up my foot somehow, the damage spreading from my foot to my calf. When I began this, I had realised I gained 5 lbs back setting me back at a loss of 15, rather than my proud achievement of 20. Since the beginning of this week (possibly a little longer than that) I have had nothing but terrible anxiety, depression, and doubt.

I am currently trying to find a healthy balance of both health and beauty. I still want (very badly) to be beautiful, but by my own means. As it stands I have a number of qualities of my body I enjoy, but the bad always seems to outweigh (lol) the good. I still want to be healthy (ohsobadly), but I still intend to enjoy what I enjoy (food, but in moderation). I have picked up a number of healthier habits since January, and it isn't like I am going to stop because of a momentary setback. I'll get back into walking when I am positive my leg is healed. I just need to try and figure out how to accept the body that my friends and family love.


The colours were all suggestions from other people. Warmer colours are more symbolic of anxiety and stress, the white bubbles are panic (bubbling/newly emerging tension), the cooler colours are depressions and self-doubt.

Not sure where to file this, lulz.
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:iconsmartist77:
smartist77 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013
This is great! Can I use this image in a blog post about body acceptance? See the full post here: soulfull-living.com/?p=1172
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure! As long as you can provide a link back to my deviant art, you are more than welcome to use it.
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:iconcellel:
cellel Featured By Owner May 19, 2011
This is the kind of art that I want to see posted in public places where lots of young girls will see it.

Have you ever thought of doing a cleanse? You can usually find them in health food stores, and most brands have a first time cleanse package. The ones I've done usually last a month and they give you a list of foods you should avoid. The cleanse will not only get rid of anything that might be living in your belly, but it will help your systems work properly if they're not processing something right. Also, most people's lower intestines tend to accumulate a lot of, well, crap on a North American diet - I've read cases of people who have lost a few pounds just by cleaning out their bowels.

You just have to make sure none of the herbs in the cleanse contradict meds (if you take any) and listen to your body. Sometimes you need to stop the treatment while it recovers from something, and sometimes when you crave food you're 'not suppose' to eat it's because you need nutrients from that food. High water intake is super important, but it sounds like you already have that in the bag. Fiber is important too, it's what absorbs any toxins your body might be offing. And remember - health first, skinniness is a common side effect. So long as you feel good, what the scale says doesn't matter a tinker's damn.

Sorry for the long rant, I'm taking an herbology course so it's starting to worm its way into everything I do!!
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner May 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I have actually heard of cleansing, I just actually never looked much into it. My mom had put me on some 'cleansing pills' about a year back, and all it ended up doing was making me sick. I didn't know a lot about it, and (stupidly trusted her) she gave me the wrong pill dosage. Not that I should have been taking diet pills anyway- if I recall, whatever was actually in the pills only ended up being a buttload of caffeine among others. I'm sure if I could actually find a cleanse that isn't a ton of potentially dangerous pills, I'd give it a shot.

Don't worry about the rant, I actually am really appreciative of the suggestions. It means a lot to me!
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:iconcellel:
cellel Featured By Owner May 19, 2011
Ooo, diet pills are horrible. They just try to rev up your metabolism, which can do damage if your system is already weakened. A good cleanse should have things like marshmallow root and wormwood and taste like the bitterest thing you've ever put in your mouth. And most of them recommend that you stay away from caffeine.
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:iconbrainflakes:
brainflakes Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
have you gotten your thyroid checked yet? if there is something like a disease that's causing it, then yeah. :o but regardless ... i don't think you're fat. i think you're very beautiful. no matter what. :3
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I haven't. I think they test that by sticking needles in your throat, and I am not really cool with doing that. I'd shit my pants, repeatedly. To be honest I can lose weight. I lost 20lbs all on my own, and for a while did a fucking excellent job of keeping it that way- which proves I can do it, it is just that weight loss takes a lot of time and effort. You can't starve yourself, but you can't be a glutton either (obvious). It is a matter of balance and regulating calories right, and I did that really well until I fucked over my feet.

<333 But thank you, Molly. I think the same thing about you, you are a gorgeous, wonderful individual. I really appreciate your support and all your love. You're very special to me, kiddo.
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:iconsteelgavel:
SteelGavel Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
This is exactly the kind of stuff I'm going for!!! OMG! This is why I draw plus sized characters! This is amazing. I can only say that there are MANY who feel the way you do. And it is understandable. Everything around you tells you that you have to be one thing to be beautiful. I'm glad you took the acceptance route.
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, thank you!! I'm really flattered that you think so, I'm so fond of your art style. It always helps me to know I'm not alone, but I know it's going to take some time before I can fully accept my body. Can't lose hope, though! Again, thank you so much. <3
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:iconpatooie:
patooie Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2011
i like it
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks!
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:iconjenavive66:
Jenavive66 Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I love you Kimmie. <3 This is beautiful and so are you. <3 This gives me some kind of hope as well.
I hope you're foot heals and that things become easier.
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
<33 thankyou, Kays. It means so much to me that you would say that.
Me too. XD; Today I tried walking and I think I re-injured it, so I am pretty sure it is my shoes that fucked me over. Sadly, until I get better shoes I have to go back to using the ones that gave me blisters all the time, but I would prefer blisters to serious muscle damage.
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:iconjenavive66:
Jenavive66 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Same here, at least the blisters go away!
And no problem darlin! <3 Your amazing and don't ever forget that!
I love you like a little sister and I'm here for you.
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:iconuke-mochi:
Uke-Mochi Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2011   Traditional Artist
Spiffy lookin' <3

Also, look for quinoa. It's a super food pretty much, with lots of fiber and protein and very few calories. It's also really freakin' tasty, and works just fine in place of rice and most noodles. Healthy is so much better than Cosmo pretty. For serious.
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Dankedanke. <3

Oooo, I will, I will! I think I've had quinoa before, but it was a pretty long time ago. At this point anything is really worth a shot, so I will look into picking some up when I can. Thank you so much. <3
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:iconuke-mochi:
Uke-Mochi Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2011   Traditional Artist
I've heard it's really gross when it's not made right, but I've apparently always had it made properly, so it's freaking delicious. Also, making your own bread, if at all possible, is freaking AMAZING for you. Hella cheap AND lacking in all the bad stuff you find in store bread. Like carbs and sugars and preservatives and the like. But it's kinda hard to do if you don't know how to make bread, I suppose. I'm not the one who does it OTL
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:iconsirbeastynuts:
SirBeastyNuts Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2011
i dont know what your diet is, but it sounds like youre not getting enough of something. it just depends. trying replacing anything you can with whole wheat and drink a lot of water. also, buy prenatals. they help me a lot. plus it makes my hair all nice and soft. i know you can do eet. <3 you're already very pretty kimmy. all 4 of you are.
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I think that may be the case. I know some of it was just me being kind of lazy, on top of not being able to work off the calories I ate. I'll look into the prenatals, and I already drink 8+ cups a day of water (I am always thirsty, bro). Thank you so much Bekah, it means a lot to me. :c You're a real sweetheart.
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:iconsirbeastynuts:
SirBeastyNuts Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2011
the prenatals i take are really good. theyre called "Finest Natural Prenatal Complete" theyre really good for your hair too. :) dont put a sad faceeeeee. be happeh. trollface.jpg
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:iconutau-hana:
Utau-Hana Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2011
I love this so much! You are very pretty Kimmie! <33333
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:iconparedolia:
Paredolia Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
<33 Thank you sweetie, I love you lots.
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:iconutau-hana:
Utau-Hana Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2011
Very welcome! <333 wuv!
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